My initial goal was to write two limericks per week for a year.  Having achieved that goal, I'm going on hiatus for a bit.

Today's final archived limerick is one of my favorites just because it's so silly.  And also because it typifies what I like most about writing in a constrained form such as a limerick: you wind up with scenarios you'd otherwise never be able to invent, simply because two (or more) unrelated words happen to rhyme, and you have to fill in the blanks to make their connection plausible.

When I ordered some freshly baked bread
At the Cannibal Inn, my host Fred
(Who is deaf in one ear)
Brought a skull on a spear.
Guess he thought I said “fleshless staked head.”

Based on the suggestion: "fresh baked bread"

I don't often know what's going to work and what's going to be too far-fetched.  Particularly when it's a matter of breaking grammatical rules to satisfy the rhyme or meter.  Is it an example of sloppiness, requiring a complete reworking of the idea, or is it an example of creative license, stretching the rules for comic effect?  Usually I just have to share it and see whether I get back positive comments or silence.  This one seems to have succeeded.

I feed my persnickety pumas
On mangosteens, plums, and satsumas.
If they happen to eat
Just one morsel of meat
Then they suffer revenge (Montezuma's).

Based on the suggestion: “satsuma”

All of my saved documents retain the initial attempts at each poem descending down the page, since I start at the top again with each fresh idea.  Looking back over them can be a bit like an archeology dig, seeing the different strata of ideas develop, either with gradual changes, based on the ones below, or a sharp demarcation line, indicating a complete change of tack.

Here's the final version of the poem based on the suggestion "oboe":

An oboe walked into a bar
And was cruised by a Spanish guitar.
She said, “Only six strings,
“And you're flaunting those things?
“You're close, but you're just no sitar.”


The punchline was given to me by my housemate, based on the below idea which I felt just wasn't snappy enough. 

An oboe walked into a bar
With a yearning to be a big star.
So a Djinn in the band
Gave a wave of his hand,
And the oboe became a guitar.


It was almost there, and on a different day I might have said "good enough" and published it, but it didn't quite get across the idea of "the only way for an oboe to be famous would be to turn into a more popular instrument altogether" in a way that felt both clear and funny.  (No offense, oboists!  I love oboes).

Still, it was an improvement on the original formulation, which was a bit hazy as to which character got transmogrified.

An oboe walked into a bar
And announced, “I shall be a big star!”
It so happen a Djinn
Had a wish to cash in,
And poof, he became a guitar. 

(Zildjian is a popular maker of cymbals for drum kits, so I think that's where the "Djinn" came from.  A little too subtle, I think...) 


Going a step backward in time, there are these variations on a theme comparing an oboe with a bassoon.  There were lots of great rhymes with bassoon, so I was sure I would get something out of that, but nothing coalesced.

An oboe, a sax, a bassoon:
Had a contest to make a gal swoon.
The first one was
The second was
And the last sent her over the moon.

An oboe is like a bassoon:
Both their timbres can make a gal swoon.
But the oboe


An oboe is like a bassoon
In the same way a knife's like a spoon:
The first one cuts through


An oboe is like a bassoon,
And a chipmunk is like a raccoon.
Both are smaller and shriller
And 


Finally, my initial idea was so compact that it didn't need more than just two lines.

An oboe has two equal reeds
Which is two more than anyone needs.

I know limericks have a reputation of being salacious.  But this is about as salacious as I get. 

A vicar, whilst studying cartography
Was enraged by a bit of topography:
“There's no need for a crest
“To be centered on Brest!
“It's not mapping!” he cried, “It's pornography!”

Based on the suggestion “cartography”

I'll say it out loud and proud: I like puns.  I like off-the-cuff silly puns, and well-crafted pun punchlines to a shaggy dog story.  But my favorite kind of pun is the one that is like an optical illusion.  Like the picture that is both a duck and a rabbit, or an old lady and a young lady: your brain tries to hold both interpretations at once – like trying to balance on a narrow rail – but you keep falling off to one side or another.  Or you oscillate back and forth quickly between the two, trying to get the oscillations to go fast enough that they blur into a single understanding of both at the same time.  They never do.  But the attempt mesmerizes my brain.

A whole poem is a bit too complex for that effect to take hold, I think.  But if you read through this once and think "wait, what?" and then you read it through a second time and it makes perfect sense, I feel as if I've achieved my goal.

A worker in fabric's a sewer.
A fast-moving sewer's a flower.
A flower's a plant,
And a woman who can't
Keep her hands off a rake is a hoer.

Based on the suggestion: “sewer” (as in “where the alligators live”)

This poem was a bit unusual in the way it came about.  It's one of the few that wasn't directly suggested by someone.  I had been working on the suggestion "sewer" and came up with the rhyme of "fewer" and the idea of substituting the word "less" where "fewer" was expected.  

But there wasn't enough room in the original poem to build a context where it made sense.  So "fewer" budded off into its own poem, and the idea flip-flopped a couple times as to whether "fewer" should be the expected rhyme and "less" would be the actual word, or vice versa.  Eventually I decided that the more pedantic way was funnier.

I've a sin that I have to confess.
When I go to the store, I transgress.
I take 12 jugs of wine
Through the line with the sign
That says, “Only 10 items or fewer.”

Based on the suggestion: “fewer”

This was one of the fastest ones I wrote.  The idea for the "greyhound" rhymes popped into my head fairly quickly, aided by the lucky fact that the rhymes fit so well with the subject matter.  It only took a few more minutes to work out what the two shorter lines should be, and the whole thing fell into place.  I think the part that took the longest was coming up with the word "beguile" when I was looking for a two-syllable synonym for "catch."

An admirable dog is the greyhound.
It's an excellent sit-, heel- and stay-hound.
But should something dash by
And beguile its eye,
It's a blurred streak of running-away-hound.

Based on the suggestion: “greyhound”

August is favorites month!  To celebrate one year of Limerick Boutique, I'm bringing back the ones  people liked best.  Got a favorite?  Let me know and I'll post it.  

This one sticks in my mind because of all the wrangling it took to set up the pun.  To have it work both as meaning "looking for something and being disappointed" and also "succeeding in finding a sofa stuffed with feathers from wild birds," plus fit the rhymes and meter...well, it went through a lot of versions before settling on this one.  

Bob's “All Natural” Love Seats purveys
Just a handful that merit high praise.
When I sought a settee
Stuffed from birds that roam free
I wound up on a wild-goose chaise. 

Based on the suggestion: "wild goose chase"

Humanity makes more pollution
Than is cleared up by simple dilution.
Result: there's a plethora.
Shortness of breath (or a
Wheeze) feels like apt retribution.

Based on the suggestion: “plethora”

plethora n. an overabundance; an excess.

The present-day coastline of Spain
Was once kissy-kissy with Maine.
A toast of sangria
To ancient Pangaea:
“Until we're together again!”

Based on the suggestion: “Pangaea”

Pangaea is the name for a “supercontinent” of all the currently separated landmasses that were squished together 300 million years ago.

She performed the minutest inspection
Of her face's exquisite complexion
In the mirror's reflection,
And, finding perfection,
She beheld it with utmost affection.

Based on the suggestion: “reflection”

Poor Noah, alas, hadn't reckoned
On rabbits to be quite so fecund.
If he'd known the first hare
Had such powers to bear
He'd have never invited the second.

Based on the suggestion: “fecund”

I was picking some succulent blackberries,
Looking forward to lip-smacking snackberries.
But the juice was so tart
It arrested my heart.
I'm the victim of vicious attackberries!

Based on the suggestion: “blackberries”

There once was a fellow named John
Who was gifted with brains (but not brawn).
When asked if he'd battle
A snake with a rattle...
...well, we'll leave that conclusion foregone.

Based on the suggestion: “John”

The grammar term “zeugma” means “yoke.”
It is used when your verb can evoke
Both a meaning that's plain
And a sense more arcane,
Like: “The count put on airs and his cloak.”

Based on the suggestion: “zeugma”

“Mind your frisbee, kid!” snarled the curmudgeon,
His ears flushing red with high dudgeon.
“If it lands in my yard
“Then I'll hoist your petard!
“And don't snivel and whine, I'm not budgin'!”

Based on the suggestion: “curmudgeon”

Fun fact: While looking up rhymes for “curmudgeon” I stumbled across two delightfully named bits of hardware: the “gudgeon” and the “pintle.” It seems they are most commonly used on boat rudders and on window shutters, enabling the various parts to swivel freely.

(Picture from Wikipedia's "gudgeon" page)

No new limerick this week, but a special bonus instead!  

Illustrated versions of previous limericks by artist Eliza Callard.

 

A porcupine, twiddling her quill,
Was pondering the idea of free will.
She decided to wait;
Leave it all up to fate.
I believe that she's sitting there still.

Based on the suggestion: “porcupine quill”

I propose to perform my euphonium
With a mute made of high grade plutonium.
When I hit the high A
All the fans in my way
Will explode in applause pandemonium.

Based on the suggestion: “euphonium”

(photo: Boosey and Hawkes euphonium)

Buy our rigid and hard-to-use juicer.
Guaranteed to help you seduce her!
When you squeeze hard, your pecs
Will seductively flex.
As it tightens, her morals get looser.

Based on the suggestion: “juicer”

“Light his fire!” the supplements claim.
They're just sugar pills, still, she's quite game.
She takes the placebo
In the garden gazebo
Which promptly erupts into flame. 

Based on the suggestion: “gazebo”

For your children you must be explicative

About expletives. (Use the indicative).

When your canny preteens

Ask what “what the f-?” means

Say, “it literally means 'what the fricative!'”

Based on the suggestion: “voiceless fricative”

Voiceless fricatives are those consonants that consist of unvoiced air being expelled, like “f” “th” (as in “think”) “s” “sh” and “h.” Voiced fricatives are “v” “th” (as in “the”) “z” and “zh.”

The indicative tense is for stating facts (as compared with the subjunctive tense, which is used for uncertainties, and the imperative tense, which is used for commands).

A Drosophila Melanogaster
Faced a fatal digestion disaster
When it found that the date
It pigheadedly ate
Was a counterfeit, cast out of plaster.

Based on the suggestion: “Drosophila Melanogaster”

aka a fruit fly

Charles Darwin, my pal, went ballistic
When I claimed his idea was simplistic.
It was only a jape,
But the fellow went ape!
(Guess his temper's a tad atavistic).

Based on the suggestion: “atavistic”

atavism n. revision to an earlier type, specifically traits that skip a generation or two. Or, in this case, several thousand.

My faith in the British is shaken.
The waiter came 'round, I said, “bacon.”
But instead of pig bits
I was given a Schlitz.
Could the fella not tell I'm Jamaican?

Based on the suggestion: “bacon”

Fun fact: if you pronounce the word “bacon” in a Jamaican accent it sounds as if you're saying “beer can” in a British accent.

The Scrabble game nearly was done.
I was asked for advice from my son.
With a fair bit of ruth
I admitted the truth:
“I see bupkes.” He played it and won.

Based on the suggestion: “bupkes"

Yes, it's Scrabble legal, and it'll earn you 14 points.

Boston waiters just love to play god.
And to screw you with scarcely a nod.

When I said I hate fish

And I asked for a dish

Of spaghetti, instead I got scrod. 

Based on the suggestion: “'scrod' as a pluperfect subjunctive”  

From this joke: A traveler who is a huge fan of seafood arrives in Boston for the first time.  He leaves the airport and hails a cab.  After he gets in, he excitedly says to the cabbie, "Hey, I'm new in town.  Can you tell me a good place to go to get scrod?"  The cabbie replies, in a thick Boston accent, "Pal, I've got to congratulate you.  I've heard that question a lot over the years, but that's the first time I've ever heard it in the pluperfect subjunctive."

The part of a grain called the “glume”
Is the part that protects the young bloom.
They are also called “bracts.”
You can use these fun facts
To impress someone (don't ask me whom). 

Based on the suggestion: “glume"

My new movie, “Homage to Fromage”
Will include a twelve-minute montage
Of my most esteemed cheeses.
Plus Edam stripteases,
And Palin and Cleese badinage.

Based on the suggestion: “badinage”

If you've never seen the Michael Palin/John Cleese sketch “The Cheese Shop” watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPN3KTtrnZM. It's a classic!

The maw of a slug is voracious.
Its attack on your garden, audacious!
But those muculent goons
Can be turned into prunes
With a dirt that is diatomaceous.

Based on the suggestion: “diatomaceous”

One website said that the sharp-edged diatoms slice up the slugs' bodies, causing them to die. Another said that the fine powder absorbs the slugs' liquids, causing them to dehydrate. Either way, the cool thing about diatomaceous earth is that it contains fossilized diatoms: microscopic, silica-shelled phytoplankton like those below.

[photo credit: Wikipedia]

I attempted to write a sestina
With the grace of a deft ballerina.
But the form's so constrained
My poor feet got too strained!
Lithe gazelle became lurching hyena.

Based on the suggestion: “sestina”

A sestina is a poetic form with six stanzas of six lines each and then a seventh, three-line stanza. The end words of each line in the first stanza are reused as end words in the other five stanzas, and also appear in the three-line stanza. Those end words have to be employed in a specific order in each stanza, further constraining the poem. 

I have never seen a graceful sestina.

I had always pronounced the word “fracas”
To rhyme with its synonym, “ruckus.”
But I learned it's “fra-cás”
(To rhyme with “patois”).
Well, ain't that a kick in the tuckas!

Based on the suggestion: “fracas"

All cats can be somewhat capricious,
But mine is creatively vicious.
He fakes a pleased thrum
Then he mangles my thumb!
The scoundrel is downright purr-nicious.

Based on the suggestion: “pernicious”

I've discovered there's no second guessin'
The man at the delicatessen
Who handles the grinder.
It pays to be kind or
You'll learn an unsavory lesson!

Based on the suggestion: “delicatessen”

There's nothing as dazzlingly glamorous
As engaging in enterprises grammarous.
The nouns that you modify,
The syntax you codify...
It makes one feel positively amorous!

Based on the suggestion: “glamour/grammar”

These two words come from the same root, originally Greek, but most recently by way of the Scottish word “gramarye” meaning “scholarship” or “occult learning.” Originally “glamour” referred to an actual spell cast on someone, not just glossy lipstick and spangly dresses.

A quick definition: “zoetic”
Is the inverse of something synthetic.
It just means “alive,”
But it's good when you strive
For a tone that's refined and poetic.

Based on the suggestion: “zoetic”

I've designed a new beast of a Yugo:
A three-door enwrapped in lanugo.
The vehicle's name?
Hatchback of Notre Dame.
(Apologies, Victor M. Hugo).

Based on the suggestion: “lanugo”

lanugo n. The soft, downy hairs that cover a newborn

P.T. Barnum asserted (with scorn)
That the folks who believed in his corn
Were quite ignominious!
According to Phineas,
“Every minute, a sucker is born.”

Based on the suggestion: “ignominious”

A whale was once known as a “grampus.”
Some vast, grassy plains are called “pampas.”
Those words have more bounce,
They're more fun to pronounce.
Don't say “sea horse.” Proclaim: “hippocampus!”
 
Based on the suggestion: “grampus”

For an eczema cure, try hot wax.
Apply freely, sit back, and relax.
Where your skin once was scabrous
It's now smooth and glabrous!
(Until your new carapace cracks).

Based on the suggestion: “glabrous”

glabrous adj. Smooth and hairless

Keep an eye on gemologist newbies.
They tend to abuse the small rubies.
They glue them to pearls
(One to each) to make girls
With diminutive pearl/ruby boobies.

Based on the suggestion: “rubies and boobies"

In Black Death years, a funeral casket
Would be sure to include a strong gasket
To seal in Y. pestis.
The goal, they all stressed, is
To keep all your plagues in one basket.

Based on the suggestion: “basket”

It began with acute pollinosis.
My friend's nose had absorbed, by osmosis,
Such dread goldenrod
That it feared it saw God.
Now his nose has a gnosis neurosis.

Based on the suggestion: “pollinosis”

Pollinosis is just a fancy term for “hay fever.” And yes, noses can see.

Lady Mac thought they'd scored a pure win.
But the stress wore her sanity thin.
Til her nighttime soliloquy –
Rather, somniloquy –

Proved she was guilty as sin.

Based on the suggestion: “somniloquy”

som·nil·o·quy n. The act or habit of talking in one's sleep.

Your attempts at discreet inculcation

Will assuredly end in frustration.

The best way to coax

Most recalcitrant folks

Is to ply them with ample libation.

Based on the suggestion: “inculcate"

The stars will completely align,
There'll be feathers and wings on all swine,
When a toddler employs
Moderation and poise
Instead of a stridulant whine.

Based on the suggestion: "whine"

There are two ways Mongolians flirt:
There's “overt” and there's “super covert.”
Overt: wave your sashes.
Covert: bat your lashes
Alone, in the dark, in your yurt.

Based on the suggestion: “flirt"

A rabbit once courted a heifer.
To his pleas, though, she couldn't be deafer.
She told him, “You're nice,
“But you lack certain spice.”
So he made of himself hasenpfeffer.

Based on the suggestion: “hasenpfeffer”

I only knew the word “hasenpfeffer” from the Laverne & Shirley theme song. But research has shown me that it's a German stew of rabbit (hase) with pepper (pfeffer) and other spices.

“But Sherlock, how on earth could you know
“Who embezzled? And where did it go?”
“It's the priest. He'd no qualms
“Turning stock shares to alms.
“Eleemosynary, Watson. Let's go.”

Based on the suggestion: “Eleemosynary” 

eleemosynary, adj. of, relating to, or dependent on charity; charitable

When eating a Belgian-style waffle
You should know it's completely unlaffle
To fill all the hollows
With paste made of swallows.
(And not only that, it tastes affle.)

Based on the suggestion: “waffle"

A bottle, created by Klein,
Caused a fuss on both banks of the Rhine.
This miraculous flask
Spurred the people to ask,
“Can you do the same thing with a stein?”

Based on the suggestion: “Klein bottle”

Alas, somebody got to this joke before me. This is a real-life Klein stein containing wine (rosé), purchasable at www.kleinbottle.com.

 

It is odd that a fungus-y truffle
Should beget such excessive kerfuffle.
Some folks hail it as “lusty,”
Others gripe that it's “fusty.”
Either way, it sets feathers to ruffle.

Based on the suggestion: “kerfuffle"

A whelk is a seagoing snail
With two flippers, a fin, and a tail.
It can breathe through a hole
In the top of its skull,
And it... hang on, I think that's a whale.

Based on the suggestion: “whelk”

A literary personal ad?

I'm seeking a fellow scholastic
To help me cut through the bombastic.
You're enthusiastic,
Iconoclastic,
And just a scintilla sarcastic.

Based on the suggestion: “iconoclast”

The expressways in Philly are nuts!
Every motorist there is a klutz.
If you drive on the Schuylkill
It's likely some kook'll
Rear-end you, because he's a putz.

Based on the suggestion: “Schuylkill”

I kidnapped my friend's garden gnomes

And equipped them with scissors and combs.

He now thinks he harbors

Six fairyland barbers.

He's sweet, but he's no Sherlock Holmes.

Based on the suggestion: “Sherlock Holmes”

I learned a new word today: “Extispicious: adj. Relating to the inspection of entrails for prognostication.”
 
It began as a scheme extispicious,
But, with glances around, surreptitious,
The guts to be read
Hit the barbie instead.
Here's my quick divination: “delicious.”

Based on the suggestion: “extispicious”

Jimmy Macho went out on a limb
To impress all the girls in his gym.
But the limb was too thin
And to Jimmy's chagrin
He now flirts with divine seraphim.

My goldfish all died. It was grim.
You ask why? I'll go out on a limb
And say every fish sank
To the depths of the tank
'Cause their mom never taught them to swim.

Elmer Fudd chased that bunny so trim
Up a tree, where the branches got slim.
It was never his plan
When the caper began.
He admitted: “I'm out on a whim.”

Based on the suggestion: “Out on a limb”

There's no danger of calorie scarcity
For the people who dwell in the fair city
Of Hershey, PA
Where the cynical say
It's the “Get Fat Just Breathing The Air” city.

Based on the suggestion: “scarcity”

There's a couple I'm fond of, the Gregorys,
Who, due to the whimsies and vagaries
Of life on this earth
Bought three bistros in Perth
And have opened a chain of Scotch Eggeries.

Based on the suggestion: “Gregory”

For those who have never heard of this delicacy, a Scotch egg is a hardboiled egg, wrapped in sausage meat, coated in bread crumbs and baked or deep fried.  Yum.

 

That jerk has the manager snowed.

He wrote her a simpering ode,
Then he called me pedantic!
That slick, sycophantic,
Obsequious, unctuous toad!!

Based on the suggestion: “obsequious”

As your grandparents learn to use Skype
Be patient, and try not to gripe.
They prefer their old app:

Two cans on a strap

And a fuzzy daguerreotype.

(the final rhyme is smoother if you use the alternate pronunciation of the word: “duh-gair-ee-uh-tahyp”)

Based on the suggestion: “Skype”

You can tell that a guy is a batula
If his only utensil's a spatula.
He fries eggs and grills cheeses
Microwaves and de-freezes,
But never does make-it-from-scratula.

Based on the suggestion: “spatula"

When teaching your puppy obedience,
Try a combo of these three ingredients:
A cup of control,
A dash of cajole,
And a gallon of simple expedience.

Based on the suggestion: “obedience”

Two variations on an idea:

My akita, a puppy named Hachi,
Requires a vigilant watch. He
Adores sausage links,
So if one merely blinks
There's the pup and an empty hibachi.

My akita, a puppy named Hachi,
Kicks the dog grooming chore up a notch. He
Has fur that's so brimming
That without frequent trimming
His appearance gets very sasquatch-y.


Based on the suggestion: “Hachi”

I've come up with a nautical wrinkle
On the song that begins “Twinkle, twinkle.”
Instead of a star, wish
Your wish on a starfish,
And sing to it this: “Winkle, winkle...”


 
Sting winkle; photo credit David Fenwick

Based on the suggestion: “twinkle”

It's been said that, for all his might, Caesar,
When sick, was a pitiful wheezer.
But his nose, fully Roman,
Protrudes like a gnomon!
He was doubtless a powerful sneezer!

Based on the suggestion: “sneeze"

A postmodern ode on a theremin competition...


The mere hint
               of the theremins' wail,

As their men
               risk a challenging
                                      scale:

They crush Do,
                             then
                                          Re,
                                                    Mi,

But then mire on
                                    Ti.

Enter him
                   – the harsh judge –
                                                       howling, “Fail!”

Based on the suggestion: “theremin”

I couldn't find a rhyme for theremin.  So I decided to load in a bunch of anagrams instead (see if you can find them all).  The result was a bit eccentric, but then so's the theremin.

At my first sushi meal I was hooked

By the elegant way that it looked.

But I sent it all back

To the kitchen. Alack,

They had served the food way undercooked!

Based on the suggestion: “sushi”