I've invented a monkey prosthesis
That endows them with telekinesis.
There's a bit of a snag, though:
A ten second lag.  So
I've dubbed the device HysteRhesus.

Based on the suggestion: "hysteresis"

Hysteresis n. The lag in response time of something reacting to a change in force

My nana was born in Peru
So her proverbs are slightly askew.
One I never forgot:
She would say, "A washed pot
Never spoils." I guess that that's true...

Based on the suggestion: "A washed pot never spoils"

A river horse (erstwhile anonymous)
Had a yen for a title synonymous
With herself and her breed
When she burned her CD,
So she titled the thing "Hippeponymous."

Based on the suggestion: "Hippeponymous"

Eponymous adj. named after a specific person

When you host a "Psychology Waltz,"
You butter the dance floor with schmaltz.
The patterns arising
From dancers capsizing
Create some amazing gestalts.

Based on the suggestion: "waltz/schmaltz'

A guy at the mint had some tricks
For smuggling gold.  He put six
Of the bars up his bum
But got caught (He was dumb.
And so scared that he literally shat bricks).

Based on the suggestion: "The news story about the guy who worked at the Canadian mint, and allegedly smuggled out around C$180,000 worth of gold in his 'internal cavity.'"

To "shit bricks" is a slang term for being so scared or startled that you have this (metaphorical) physical reaction.

I'd likely to smugly claim that I used "literally" correctly in this case.  But while the verb was literal, the noun is actually a lie; they weren't bricks or bars, they were "oreo-sized discs."  When someone updates the slang to "I was so scared I shat an oreo-sized disc!" I'll write a new limerick.

Said a crotchety man from East Leicester,
"My clothes always prickle and peicester.
"My life would be jamois
"In slacks made of chamois,
"Instead of this cheap polyeicester!"

Based on the suggestion: "Said a crotchety"

A boy of Italian descent
Made a ball out of rubber cement
Which he threw from the tower
Of Pisa with power
So great it bounced down in Tashkent.

Based on the suggestion: "A boy of Italian descent"

"You're a dumb, ugly, backwater zero!"
Taunted school chums of poor Agnew (Spiro).
But he gave them cuisine
From the Greek street-food scene,
And his sobriquet's now "Small-Town Gyro!"

Based on the suggestion: "small-town gyro"

A doula who came from Missoula
Made a YouTube on "prepartum hula."
Her Hip-Rolling Spiral
Immediately went viral,
And now the gal's rolling in moolah.

Based on the suggestion: "doula"

Doula: n. A woman who is trained to provide support to women and their families during pregnancy, childbirth and the period of time following the birth.

Here's a practical joke that a LARPer
Can play on their friend who's a harper:
Tune her strings each to A,
Then invite her to play
At the Elvenqueen's feast (and then scarper!)

Based on the suggestion: "harp"

LARP stands for Live Action Role-Playing [Game].  LARPers tend to dress in costume and participate in historical recreations or fantasy situations.

And, in case it's not clear from context, "to scarper" means "to flee."

If your purple prose makes folks abhor you,
I have just the right drug to restore you!
You need a depressant,
An "anti-expressant,"
And my patent Prozaic will cure you!

Based on the suggestion: "prosaic as a pun on Prozac"

Some might think me a simple fond Jew
When I tell them I lust for fondue.
But my biblical scrolls
Aren't written in gold...
"Melted cheese" is my torah's font hue.

Based on the suggestion: "fondue"