A porcupine, twiddling her quill,
Was pondering the idea of free will.
She decided to wait;
Leave it all up to fate.
I believe that she's sitting there still.

Based on the suggestion: “porcupine quill”

I propose to perform my euphonium
With a mute made of high grade plutonium.
When I hit the high A
All the fans in my way
Will explode in applause pandemonium.

Based on the suggestion: “euphonium”

(photo: Boosey and Hawkes euphonium)

Buy our rigid and hard-to-use juicer.
Guaranteed to help you seduce her!
When you squeeze hard, your pecs
Will seductively flex.
As it tightens, her morals get looser.

Based on the suggestion: “juicer”

“Light his fire!” the supplements claim.
They're just sugar pills, still, she's quite game.
She takes the placebo
In the garden gazebo
Which promptly erupts into flame. 

Based on the suggestion: “gazebo”

For your children you must be explicative

About expletives. (Use the indicative).

When your canny preteens

Ask what “what the f-?” means

Say, “it literally means 'what the fricative!'”

Based on the suggestion: “voiceless fricative”

Voiceless fricatives are those consonants that consist of unvoiced air being expelled, like “f” “th” (as in “think”) “s” “sh” and “h.” Voiced fricatives are “v” “th” (as in “the”) “z” and “zh.”

The indicative tense is for stating facts (as compared with the subjunctive tense, which is used for uncertainties, and the imperative tense, which is used for commands).

A Drosophila Melanogaster
Faced a fatal digestion disaster
When it found that the date
It pigheadedly ate
Was a counterfeit, cast out of plaster.

Based on the suggestion: “Drosophila Melanogaster”

aka a fruit fly

Charles Darwin, my pal, went ballistic
When I claimed his idea was simplistic.
It was only a jape,
But the fellow went ape!
(Guess his temper's a tad atavistic).

Based on the suggestion: “atavistic”

atavism n. revision to an earlier type, specifically traits that skip a generation or two. Or, in this case, several thousand.

My faith in the British is shaken.
The waiter came 'round, I said, “bacon.”
But instead of pig bits
I was given a Schlitz.
Could the fella not tell I'm Jamaican?

Based on the suggestion: “bacon”

Fun fact: if you pronounce the word “bacon” in a Jamaican accent it sounds as if you're saying “beer can” in a British accent.

The Scrabble game nearly was done.
I was asked for advice from my son.
With a fair bit of ruth
I admitted the truth:
“I see bupkes.” He played it and won.

Based on the suggestion: “bupkes"

Yes, it's Scrabble legal, and it'll earn you 14 points.