I sampled some fake vegan cheese
And I'm sorry, it didn't appease.
It's as like the real thing
As a cheap playground swing
Is to the Flying Wallendas' trapeze.

In this world there are things – you may find –
Quite distinct and yet still “of a kind.”
Like cheese from a vegan
And verse from a Vogon:
They're both best politely declined.

Based on the suggestion: "fake vegan cheese"

If you're not familiar with Vogons, they compose the third worst poetry in the universe, according to Douglas Adams in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Don't ever climb cliffs with a dope
Or a novice outside of their scope.
It's you they'll betray
When they botch the belay,
And you'll seethe at the end of your rope.

The stars o'er Dakota were spangling
When Tex tried some tricky night-wrangling.
But the steers caught a whiff,
Knocked him over the cliff,
And he ended up upside-down, dangling.

A grammar professor was angling
To do some non-conjugal tangling.
But the girl got past tense
At his genitive offense,
And he left with his participle dangling.

Based on the suggestion: “climbing/dangling on a rope”

The last one departs quite a bit from the original suggestion, but the phrase "dangling particle" was too suggestive to pass up. 

A worker in fabric's a sewer.
A fast-moving sewer's a flower.
A flower's a plant,
And a woman who can't
Keep her hands off a rake is a hoer.

Based on the suggestion: "sewers" (as in "where the alligators live")

 

Spoken in your best, over-the-top impersonation of Sean Connery:

A Shcottish-born author named Welsh
Writesh dyshtopian fiction (quite hellsh).
Should a book make you shmile
With its lighthearted shtyle,
It was written by shomebody elsh.

Based on the suggestion: “Irvine Welsh”

It's a nightmare to pick just one pixel
You can clickety-click, but your clicks'll
Miss high, then miss low
And your woe starts to grow!
But you know what'll nail it? Your kicks'll!

Based on the suggestion: "pixel"

An MC who drove an MG
Had a dream to become an MP.
But she changed her MO,
Got MU to bestow
An M.D. and became an M.E.

Based on the suggestion: "Medical Examiner"

“Himalaya” means “snowy abode,”
And an apter name ne'er was bestowed.
Case in point: you won't see
Folks pour cream in their tea
'Cause it comes from the cows a lá mode.


Note: For the following rhyme you must use the Sanskrit pronunciation of “Himalaya” – with the stress on the second syllable.

The majestic, Himalayan Yeti
Up and moved to the parched Serengeti
To enjoy the dry heat
On his infamous feet
But came back 'cause they got far too sweaty.

Based on the suggestion: "Himalaya"

Sometimes the rhymes don't come together.  I wanted to write one with the first lines "A skeptic once hunted a Yeti/In the grass of the vast Serengeti" and then follow with something like "because if it's a mythical beast you might as well conduct your futile search for it somewhere that you won't lose your nose to frostbite."  I think I could find a way to squeeze that idea into three lines, but I just couldn't find an appropriate final rhyme for "-eti."  Suggestions?

Bob's “All Natural” Love Seats purveys
Just a handful that merit high praise.
When I sought a settee
Stuffed from birds that roam free
I wound up on a wild-goose chaise.

Based on the suggestion: "wild goose chase"

Here are all the ones I wrote before deciding to post them online:

July 31, 2013

My perfume concoction is dead.
Tried to simmer it, but charred it instead.
When I polled people, most
Said it smelled like burnt toast.
It was meant to be “freshly baked bread.”


To inhale near a freshly baked bread
Is to dream of the pleasures ahead
When you slather on jam
Or some hard cheese and ham
Or just butter and sugar instead.


When I ordered some freshly baked bread
At the Cannibal Inn, my host Fred
(Who is deaf in one ear)
Brought a skull on a spear.
Guess he thought I said “fleshless staked head.”

Based on the suggestion: "fresh baked bread."  

It's really hard to rhyme with "bread."  There are too many rhymes, and they're all pretty insipid.  So I started off in a different direction each time I got stuck.  After sleeping on it, though, all the directions managed to come through.


July 28, 2013

A vicar, whilst studying cartography
Was enraged by a bit of topography:
“There's no need for a crest
“To be centered on Brest!
“It's not mapping!” he cried, “It's pornography!”

Based on the suggestion: "cartography"

There aren't as many suggestive place names out there as I initially thought.   Luckily there was a rhyme for the only one I could think of.

July 24, 2013

It's a shame, but you share your name, Erica,
With innumerable gals in America.
Plus a spider (horrific)
And a plant (scientific)
And some other obscure esoterica*.

*ERICA, or the Experiment on Rapidly Intensifying Cyclones over the Atlantic, is a scientific field project that started in the winter of 1988/1989.  Its aims were to better understand the processes involved in rapid cyclogenesis, and so improve understanding and forecasting of the situations that cause it.

A miss by the quaint name of “Dunn”
Was such fodder for joke and for pun
That to use the word “ended”
Would make her offended
And she'd stop things when scarcely begun.

There's a guy that I know, name of Phil.

Had his stomach enlarged in Brazil

To be able to feast

Like the world's largest beast.

Now he eats like a whale: only krill.

A vacationing spaceman named Harris

Had a terrible time on Solaris.

The natives were rude,

And so hairy when nude

That for respite he visited Paris.

 Based on the suggestions: "Erica Dunn" and "Phil Harris," who asked to be immortalized in rhyme.  Little did they know how ridiculous immortality could be.


July 21, 2013

To develop a bread without gluten
Doesn't take all the brains of a Newton.
But to claim it's divine
When it tastes like sawed pine...
Well, that takes the gall of Rasputin!


A cookie without any gluten
Is like a cookie without any fruit in
the middle.  It's bland
But to give it a brand,
You could call it a “sansFig sansNewton.”

Based on the suggestion: "gluten free" 

July 17, 2013

I've heard tell that the name for an architect
Who builds reeeeeally small things is a “quark-itecht.”
And for building large-size,
Teddy R. gets the prize.
You could call him a "national park-itecht."

Based on the suggestion: "architect."

July 13, 2013

A miraculous fruit is the orange
That hails from one state: California.
They ripen in autumn,
And their size is enormous,
So that peeling one leaves you exhausted.

Based on the suggestion: "something that rhymes with orange" and the preposterous examples that rhymezone.com gave me for "near rhymes."  I'm not making it up, here's a screen shot of their suggestions.