Clowns in Scotland aren't tall. One suspects
It's because “Health and Safety” objects.
They say men wearing kilts
Aren't allowed to use stilts
'Cause the ladies get cricks in their necks.

In the olden days Scotsmen were skilt
In the art of arranging their kilt
To sleep rough on the moors.
But they now live indoors
And can cuddle up warm with a quilt. 

Based on the suggestion: “kilt”

I was spelling last week, at a bee,
That was also an afternoon tea.
In my right hand: a scone.
In my left: microphone.
And I won! (“Ambidextrously”) 

Based on the suggestion: “ambidextrously”

Fun fact: this is one of the longest English words that can be spelled without repeating any letters.

The problem I have with most pickles?
When I bite them the pickle juice trickles
Down into my sleeve,
And you wouldn't believe
How the trickling pickle juice tickles! 

Based on the suggestion: “trickle”

The apocryphal books of the bible
Were recorded when life was more tribal.
But modern litigiousness
Trumps all religiousness:
God now brings lawsuits for libel.

Based on the suggestion: “apocrypha”

A furry blue monster named Grover
Took a job as a cattle ranch drover.
A runaway steer
Found a lush new frontier
And now Grover is rolling in clover.

Based on the suggestion: “Grover”

I like to be garish sometimes
And on paper the color of limes
I will splash out some ink
Of both riotous pink
And the hue with which nothing else rhymes.

Based on the suggestion: "orange"

The “Zeitgeist” or “Spirit of the Time”
Can be poignant when captured in rhyme.
But there's really no word
For the feeling that's stirred
When you act out the Zeitgeist in mime.

Based on the suggestion: “Zeitgeist”

My submission for “wildlife zoetrope”
Was “The Flight of the Fanciful Phalarope.”
My bellicose brother
 Came up with another:
 “A Skunk and a Skink Doing Rope-a-dope.”

Based on the suggestion: “zoetrope”
 

(video credit for top gif: Bre Petis)

“He was whacked,” said P.I. PJ Tango,
“In a nightclub due east of Durango.
“The Andean mob
“Was the one did the job,
“And the weapon: a snub-nosed charango.”

A charango is a musical instrument from the Bolivian Andes, shaped like a small guitar, and traditionally made using an armadillo shell for the body.

Based on the suggestion: “PJ Tango”

I discovered a curious patina
On my bronze of Degas' ballerina.
A tentative taste
Of her verdigrised waist
Solved the mystery: fresh spirulina!

Based on the suggestion: "spirulina"

I feed my persnickety pumas
On mangosteens, plums, and satsumas.
If they happen to eat
Just one morsel of meat
Then they suffer revenge (Montezuma's).

Based on the suggestion: “satsuma”

Today it seems most opportune
To add an additional boon,
Give you more for your dime
Than the usual rhyme,
So voilà: a little cartoon...

Based on the suggestion: “cartoon”

 

Some folks are bummed out by the rain,
But I say that it's all in their brain.
If they covered their cortex
In waterproof Gore-Tex
Their troubles would flow down the drain.

East of Paris, folks never complain
When the skies pour down buckets of rain.
For their clouds (by design)
Hold the fruits of the vine,
And give showers of sparkling champagne.

If you want to come off as “urbane,”
I suggest that you sing in the rain.
Hey, it worked for Gene Kelly
(And Machiavelli;
The Prince made Top 40 in Spain).

(or, rather, the treatise formerly known as The Prince).

Based on the suggestion: “rain”

My power is mighty! As Geek,
There's no end to the havoc I wreak.
I can crush the OS
To a meaningless mess

Just by making one finishing tweak. 

Based on the suggestion: “geek”

Beg pardon, I'd like to inquire:
How hot did you set the clothes dryer?
I don't mean to harass
But I looked through the glass
And it seems that my pants are on fire.

Based on the suggestion: “my pants are on fire”

To accommodate lodgers, Procrustes
Would stretch them or chop as he must. “He's
“Got a comfortable bed,
“If you just keep your head,”
Said the blithest of recent adjustees.

Based on the suggestion: “Procrustes”

If you're not familiar with this Greek myth, Procrustes claimed to have a special bed that exactly fit anyone who spent the night in it.  This was not a magical property of the bed, but rather an indication of Procrustes' evil nature, as he would torturously lengthen or shorten the person until they fit the bed.

They're timidly beasts, are the marmoset.
It's quite easy, you know, to alarm a set
With a make-believe snake.
But don't make that mistake!
Better: bring a banana and charm a set.

Based on the suggestion: "marmoset"

“Yo! Oy,” said the old Philly Jew,
“Taco Cat was just sick in my shoe!
“Evil Olive eats socks,
“Hannah misses the box...
“Senile felines are making me blue.”

Based on the suggestion: “palindrome”

A techno-taxonomist, Lila,
Was explaining some telephone phyla:
'There's “-Joke” and there's “-Ride”
'And then “-Song”; all inside
'The umbrella division of “Dial-A.”'

A daring detective named Oliver
Killed a perp with his trusty revoliver.
So he went to the church
Where his soul's blackened smirch
Was redeemed by a priestly absoliver.

Based on the suggestion: "Lila and Oliver"

I enjoy a nice life, for a lizard.
I've got plenty of grubs in my gizzard.
Still, I think of last spring
When I lived like a king...
Guess I shouldn't have teased that old wizard. 

Based on the suggestion: “wizard"
 

Alas, as a grade school librarian

I'm mostly a disciplinarian.

If I'd known that (to teachers)

Nice kids become creatures,

I'd have kept my first job: veterinarian.

Based on the suggestion: “librarian”

My attempts to produce marmalade
At first had me slightly dismayed
'Cause the jars would explode.
But I've now cracked the code.
I just label them “Fruit Hand Grenade.” 

Based on the suggestion: “marmalade”

A stench that's described as “mephitic”

Is so bad as to be paralytic.

Which is why my dog's name

Is a mark of his shame.

Old Meph sports an odor armpit-ic.

There are smells that are classed as “mephitical”

For example: reviews harshly critical.

But a fetor far worse

Can aggrieve and accurse:

It's the hot air that's labelled “political.”

Based on the suggestion: "mephitic"

An oboe walked into a bar
And was cruised by a Spanish guitar.
She said, “Only six strings,
“And you're flaunting those things?
“You're close, but you're just no sitar.”

Based on the suggestion: “oboe”

I grew my own corn on Nantucket.
It took ages to reap it and shuck it.
But my chowder won't sell
(That damned clammer cartel!)
So I'm left with no choice but to chuck it.

The houses you find on Nantucket
Can cost quite a damnable ducat!
So I guess, on that isle,
I won't live in style,
Until, filthy rich, I have struck it.

Last summer my house on Nantucket
Was attacked by a lunatic duck.  It
Kept hitting the screen
While attempting to preen.
So to keep the thing safe I would pluck it.

Based on the suggestion: “Nantucket”

So I visit this great radiologist
Who is also a famous phrenologist.
“I want,” I explain,
“To examine my brain.”
So he sends me to see a psychologist.

Based on the suggestion: “radiologist”

I came up with two variations on the same idea.  Which do you think works better?

 “Your disease,” said the naturopath,
“Is provoked by an excess of wrath.
“There's a cure, though, (you're lucky):
“Just sing to your duckie
“Each night as you soak in the bath.”


“Thy disease,”  said the naturopath,
“Will respond to a mineral bath.
“If thou wield'st, as a scrubber,
“A fowl made of rubber.
“Hath thy bathtub a duckie?” “It hath.”

Based on the suggestion: “naturopath”

A poem for the historical lovers Abelard and Héloïse.  In the early 12th century, brilliant scholar Héloïse lived in the house of her uncle, Fulbert. When the famous philosopher and teacher, Abelard, convinced Fulbert to let him move in and become tutor to Héloïse, things got a little licentious...

He seduced her; she gave no resistance.
She fell pregnant, and through his insistence
Hél was shut up in cloisters.
Fulbert severed Ab's “oysters.”
And they loved – evermore – from a distance.

Based on the suggestion: “Héloïse and Abelard”

Bonus fun fact: Lest you think modern celebs invented the practice of giving their children bizarre names, Héloïse and Abelard named their son “Astrolabe,” after the scientific instrument.

When Gauguin joined van Gogh, down in Arles,
Vincent told him “I just want to parle.”
But then Paul condescended,
Van Gogh got offended,
And politeness collapsed in a quarle.

A hell of a painter was Vince!
A true post-Impressionist prince.
To think of those irises
Makes me desirouses...
But to think of his ear makes me wince.

I heard, on a trivia show,
That to call the man “Vincent van Gogh”
Makes the British folk scoff
'Cause they call him “van Gogh.”
But the Dutch say “van Gogh!” (see below).

To hear how the Dutch pronounce the name: http://tinyurl.com/l85jgc7

To see the clip from the trivia show, QI: http://tinyurl.com/38hl47c

Based on the suggestion: “van Gogh”

At Pam's Pumpkin Palace café
Every dish – from soufflé to sorbet –
Is prepared with panache
And is made with said squash.
Not the pie, though; that's far too cliché.

The pumpkin (Curcurbita pepo),
Is a favorite from here to Aleppo.
He's the squash world's buffoon!
In a veggie lampoon
He'd play Harpo.  (Zucchini'd play Zeppo).

Based on the suggestion: “pumpkin”

Fun fact: both pumpkins and zucchinis are classified as Curcurbita pepo (along with many other types of squash and gourd). 

I've a sin that I have to confess:
When I go to the store, I transgress.
I take 12 jugs of wine
Through the line with the sign
That says, “Only 10 items or fewer.”

Based on the suggestion: “fewer”

It ain't profitsome, fellers, to ruminate
'bout the final grub Harry S. Truman ate.
I say slice up his rumen
And check it! Assumin'
We get the OK to exhuminate.


Stuff some offal inside of a rumen,
Add spices – like nutmeg or cumin –
And oats. There's your haggis,
Now eat it! (To gag is
To prove that your own stomach's human).


Based on the suggestion: “rumen”

I don't really dislike haggis all that much (nor do I believe in the profitsomeness of discovering what HST's last meal was).  I just go where the rhymes lead me.
 

With grandchildren one never knows:
Pinch cheeks first? Or nibble on toes?
Not so hard for an uncle,
That lovable lunk'll
Just keep playing “I've got your nose.”

Based on the suggestion: “grandchildren"

Appropriately enough -- and completely coincidentally --  today is Grandparents Day!

Inflation's gone mad in Dubai,
With demand far outstripping supply.
A tuna fish sandwich
Costs seventeen grand! Which
Is why I eat lunch in Shanghai.

Based on the suggestion: “sandwich”

An admirable dog is the greyhound.
It's an excellent sit-, heel- and stay-hound.
But should something dash by
And beguile its eye,
It's a blurred streak of running-away-hound.

Based on the suggestion: "greyhound"
 

I sampled some fake vegan cheese
And I'm sorry, it didn't appease.
It's as like the real thing
As a cheap playground swing
Is to the Flying Wallendas' trapeze.

In this world there are things – you may find –
Quite distinct and yet still “of a kind.”
Like cheese from a vegan
And verse from a Vogon:
They're both best politely declined.

Based on the suggestion: "fake vegan cheese"

If you're not familiar with Vogons, they compose the third worst poetry in the universe, according to Douglas Adams in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Don't ever climb cliffs with a dope
Or a novice outside of their scope.
It's you they'll betray
When they botch the belay,
And you'll seethe at the end of your rope.

The stars o'er Dakota were spangling
When Tex tried some tricky night-wrangling.
But the steers caught a whiff,
Knocked him over the cliff,
And he ended up upside-down, dangling.

A grammar professor was angling
To do some non-conjugal tangling.
But the girl got past tense
At his genitive offense,
And he left with his participle dangling.

Based on the suggestion: “climbing/dangling on a rope”

The last one departs quite a bit from the original suggestion, but the phrase "dangling particle" was too suggestive to pass up. 

A worker in fabric's a sewer.
A fast-moving sewer's a flower.
A flower's a plant,
And a woman who can't
Keep her hands off a rake is a hoer.

Based on the suggestion: "sewers" (as in "where the alligators live")

 

Spoken in your best, over-the-top impersonation of Sean Connery:

A Shcottish-born author named Welsh
Writesh dyshtopian fiction (quite hellsh).
Should a book make you shmile
With its lighthearted shtyle,
It was written by shomebody elsh.

Based on the suggestion: “Irvine Welsh”

It's a nightmare to pick just one pixel
You can clickety-click, but your clicks'll
Miss high, then miss low
And your woe starts to grow!
But you know what'll nail it? Your kicks'll!

Based on the suggestion: "pixel"

An MC who drove an MG
Had a dream to become an MP.
But she changed her MO,
Got MU to bestow
An M.D. and became an M.E.

Based on the suggestion: "Medical Examiner"

“Himalaya” means “snowy abode,”
And an apter name ne'er was bestowed.
Case in point: you won't see
Folks pour cream in their tea
'Cause it comes from the cows a lá mode.


Note: For the following rhyme you must use the Sanskrit pronunciation of “Himalaya” – with the stress on the second syllable.

The majestic, Himalayan Yeti
Up and moved to the parched Serengeti
To enjoy the dry heat
On his infamous feet
But came back 'cause they got far too sweaty.

Based on the suggestion: "Himalaya"

Sometimes the rhymes don't come together.  I wanted to write one with the first lines "A skeptic once hunted a Yeti/In the grass of the vast Serengeti" and then follow with something like "because if it's a mythical beast you might as well conduct your futile search for it somewhere that you won't lose your nose to frostbite."  I think I could find a way to squeeze that idea into three lines, but I just couldn't find an appropriate final rhyme for "-eti."  Suggestions?

Bob's “All Natural” Love Seats purveys
Just a handful that merit high praise.
When I sought a settee
Stuffed from birds that roam free
I wound up on a wild-goose chaise.

Based on the suggestion: "wild goose chase"

Here are all the ones I wrote before deciding to post them online:

July 31, 2013

My perfume concoction is dead.
Tried to simmer it, but charred it instead.
When I polled people, most
Said it smelled like burnt toast.
It was meant to be “freshly baked bread.”


To inhale near a freshly baked bread
Is to dream of the pleasures ahead
When you slather on jam
Or some hard cheese and ham
Or just butter and sugar instead.


When I ordered some freshly baked bread
At the Cannibal Inn, my host Fred
(Who is deaf in one ear)
Brought a skull on a spear.
Guess he thought I said “fleshless staked head.”

Based on the suggestion: "fresh baked bread."  

It's really hard to rhyme with "bread."  There are too many rhymes, and they're all pretty insipid.  So I started off in a different direction each time I got stuck.  After sleeping on it, though, all the directions managed to come through.


July 28, 2013

A vicar, whilst studying cartography
Was enraged by a bit of topography:
“There's no need for a crest
“To be centered on Brest!
“It's not mapping!” he cried, “It's pornography!”

Based on the suggestion: "cartography"

There aren't as many suggestive place names out there as I initially thought.   Luckily there was a rhyme for the only one I could think of.

July 24, 2013

It's a shame, but you share your name, Erica,
With innumerable gals in America.
Plus a spider (horrific)
And a plant (scientific)
And some other obscure esoterica*.

*ERICA, or the Experiment on Rapidly Intensifying Cyclones over the Atlantic, is a scientific field project that started in the winter of 1988/1989.  Its aims were to better understand the processes involved in rapid cyclogenesis, and so improve understanding and forecasting of the situations that cause it.

A miss by the quaint name of “Dunn”
Was such fodder for joke and for pun
That to use the word “ended”
Would make her offended
And she'd stop things when scarcely begun.

There's a guy that I know, name of Phil.

Had his stomach enlarged in Brazil

To be able to feast

Like the world's largest beast.

Now he eats like a whale: only krill.

A vacationing spaceman named Harris

Had a terrible time on Solaris.

The natives were rude,

And so hairy when nude

That for respite he visited Paris.

 Based on the suggestions: "Erica Dunn" and "Phil Harris," who asked to be immortalized in rhyme.  Little did they know how ridiculous immortality could be.


July 21, 2013

To develop a bread without gluten
Doesn't take all the brains of a Newton.
But to claim it's divine
When it tastes like sawed pine...
Well, that takes the gall of Rasputin!


A cookie without any gluten
Is like a cookie without any fruit in
the middle.  It's bland
But to give it a brand,
You could call it a “sansFig sansNewton.”

Based on the suggestion: "gluten free" 

July 17, 2013

I've heard tell that the name for an architect
Who builds reeeeeally small things is a “quark-itecht.”
And for building large-size,
Teddy R. gets the prize.
You could call him a "national park-itecht."

Based on the suggestion: "architect."

July 13, 2013

A miraculous fruit is the orange
That hails from one state: California.
They ripen in autumn,
And their size is enormous,
So that peeling one leaves you exhausted.

Based on the suggestion: "something that rhymes with orange" and the preposterous examples that rhymezone.com gave me for "near rhymes."  I'm not making it up, here's a screen shot of their suggestions.